So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
