My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
