so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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