If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
