Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
