when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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