Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
