I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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