I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
