Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
