This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
