I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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