I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
