I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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