Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
