At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
