im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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