i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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