i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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