Already got asked if we're dating
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
