So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
