drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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