So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
