She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
