I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
