after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
