hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
