Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants