Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
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I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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