There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
