Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
