Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
