The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
