Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
