Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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