I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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