the condom got lost in my hair
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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