So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
