Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
