Your tits are I can't wait for
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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