I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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