Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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