You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
