Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
