i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
