im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
foreskin is a definite game changer
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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