Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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