I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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