Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
