Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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