Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
