dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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