I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
