My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
