you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
