I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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