I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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