How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
