He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
