Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
