If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
