jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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