yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
