member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
